Archives for May 2010

May 24

You Have to Let Them Know

As you may have read in my last post, I’m trying to manage my life and take control of it again.  Since my mom died 2 months ago, I have just been going through the motions (and emotions!) trying to figure out my place. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true.

Some of my displacement is due to the grief I’m experiencing. If I think about it too long, I begin to cry and I get short of breath…like a panic attack kind of.  I know she’s in Heaven and I’m glad about that, but man oh man do I miss her.  I just can’t believe she’s gone.  Even though I knew it was coming, I still wasn’t ready.  I never imagined pain and sadness like this.  I’d like to eat, drink, and be merry my way though this, but the sensible me knows that would do nothing but delay what I need to be feeling anyway.  So I go on.

Some of my displacement is also due to my lack of management in my life.  While choosing not to plan and just give myself a break, which was good I guess, I also fell into the trap becoming a wuss.  Really, I wouldn’t say “no” when needed and I allowed myself to be taken advantage of.  Now I’m not accusing anyone of taking advantage of me because they never did that to their knowledge. The very people I’m talking about live in my own house and it’s really not their fault, it’s mine.  I haven’t been very vocal about what I need or want and so they really didn’t know.  They know now :)

I’ve learned an important lesson. Don’t expect anyone, even those closest to you, to know what you need.  They will appreciate it and so will you if you just let them know yourself.  You have to let them know.

Blessings Y’all!!!

ps…I walked 4 miles this morning and did arm weights!  Tootin’ my own horn on this one :)

May 22

If at first you don’t succeed…

Try try again…right?  Isn’t that what we’ve been told to do our whole lives?  Of course it is.  And we should.  If at first we didn’t succeed and so we quit, what kind of world would this be?  A world full of losers that’s what!  Ha ha!

Oh, here I am trying again to write.  My keyboard has been calling me, beckoning really.  If everyone would leave me alone, I could do some serious writing, thinking, and dreaming.  I love to journal, write, whatever you want to call it.  It seems that each time I’m about to sit and write, something happens.  I kid you not.  A child breaks a glass in the kitchen that was full to the rim with milk.  So I gotta go in there, clean it up myself since there is glass and stickyness involved (it wouldn’t be done right otherwise…do you agree?).  Or one of the kids was about to get on the computer (yes, I share my computer with 3 of my kids) to do homework that requires research and how can I say no to that? Someone needs me to help with something or needs to talk to me.  The phone rings and it’s for me.  Or my husband gets home and requests I sit outback with him to chit chat. (this happens quite frequently which I’m so thankful for and consider myself extremely blessed that he wants to spend time with me).  Or my son (not mentioning any Hayden names) informs me he has to be at LaCrosse practice in 15 minutes and I’m the only one who can get him there.  Ok, I realize I sound like a complainer or whiner…and I guess I have been both.  Nevertheless, extremely frustrated is how I’ve felt over it.  Seriously, each time I sit to really write, something happens. That’s life right?

This got me to thinking.  I have no control over my life.  I’m allowing life to control me. And it’s true.

I think for so long my purpose was clearly defined that I didn’t have to plan for it or even think about it.  Everyone in my life knew my purpose and what I had to do and they dealt with my absence or any inconvenience it may have caused them because that’s just how it was.  I was actually at peace inside even though my purpose was caring for my terminally ill mother.  Now that she’s gone, I’m failing, flailing, and feeling all crazy.  I’m trying to discern what is normal grieving and what is mental and emotional anxiety that needs some tending to.  (making a doctor appt on Monday about this…and I’m sure I’ll write about it at a later date, but for now I’ll skip my thoughts on that)

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. That phrase has run through my mind over and over again.  I thank and credit God for it.  I was considering giving up.  This is just too hard.  I need to just take care of my tasks at hand and kaphooey with the rest.  Yes I just said kaphooey.  Don’t you just love that word?  Anyway, my sweet dear friend, Glynnis Whitwer, who also happens to be a fantastic writer, author, speaker, editor, and I can’t even believe I’m lucky enough to know someone like her, called the P31 office this week. I answered the phone and we talked a bit and I shared with her how I was feeling. It was (as Oprah would say) an “aha moment” for me.  And confirmation after my conversation with Holly a few weeks ago.  She used her moment on the phone with me to encourage me, let me know she believed in me, my purpose and my writing and the value of my words, and told me to write. Get to it. Do it.  Each season looks different, but keep at it.  If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.

I’ve been used to just doing what needed to be done without having to ask for anything.  Now it’s time to reclaim that part of my life which is hanging in limbo and make the other time stealers (as well intentioned and sweet as they may be) aware of it.  I used to be so scheduled. I’m attempting to return to that now.  So, I made a plan. Wrote it down.  Sent it in a shared document to my husband. (how funny that’s how we communicate our plans best…through a google document.  Don’t knock it, it works for us!)  Yippee-Ki-Yay :)  He supports it and is willing to help take up the slack where I’ll be doing “my thing” as he calls it.  Thank you honey for allowing me to “my thing”…love you!

Will my new plan work?  Will I have more time to read, write, and do what stirs my heart?  Idk.  But if at first I don’t succeed, I’ll try try again!

Hope all is well in your world!  Love and blessings to you <3   That’s a heart if you don’t know.  It’s turned on it’s side.  Means I love ya!

May 4

I’m Normal…and it hurts.

I’m writing.  I’m writing.  I’m writing.

There, I started writing.  Finally.  Honestly I don’t where this post is going.  I don’t have much to give.  I’m a natural encourager, but since the end of March, I just haven’t had much to say.  Most of you know.  My mother died. I can’t say that or write it without breaking down and falling to pieces.  Mama is gone from this earth.

I know. I know. She’s in a better place. She is. And during the last week of her life, I was begging God to take her. She’d had enough. I knew where she was headed and she would be healed there.  But as soon as she drew her last breath…I wanted her back.


My “normal” was very different during her illness.  No longer was I passionately teaching women they could live free in Christ.  No longer was I writing about ways to overcome sin, the past, doubt, and fear.  No longer was I tending to my husband and kids 7 days a week.  No longer was I working my usual hours in the Proverbs 31 office.  I was on a mission however.  Caring for and ministering to my mother and her husband were top on my list. I knew she wouldn’t be here long.  But I never took time to think about it for very long.  I kept it together quite well during all that. I became a great nurse.  I only about threw up once…that’s good for me when I’m dealing with the body, especially a failing body…a dying one.  I witnessed things I hope and pray I never see, smell, hear, or taste again.  Yet I wouldn’t trade one second of it.  The woman who I’ve known since before I was born would not be with me much longer.  Caring for her was my honor.  What a privilege.  I got real good at keeping a schedule.  During this time I had little fear and no anxiety.  Considering I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression in the past, this was a surprise to me that I give the Lord full credit for.

Now my “normal” is closer to a real “normal” I guess.  (whatever the heck that is)  I’m back at work full time.  Well at least office work.  I haven’t begun speaking and writing yet.  I want to.  But when I sit down to work on it, it just doesn’t seem right. I’m not ready yet I guess.  The Lord will guide and I trust Him.  I’m listening.  I’m home each day and night again.  I cook.  I do laundry.  I clean.  (no I don’t, that was a little lie….I need to clean) My husband I have started our weekly dates again :)  He’s a true treasure.  That’s something I could write about sometime.  I’ll wait on that.  Even though I’m back to doing what I know how to do, I feel more like a fish out of water.  Like I’m walking around aimlessly, not knowing where I’m going.  I cry easily and daily…but I’m not depressed.  I’m just very very very sad.  I’m in pain.  My heart is yearning for my mother.  God knows…He does know…just how much I miss her.  I never imagined how hard this would be. And I don’t even want to think about Mother’s Day. That kills me.

Recently I’ve had 2 near panic attacks.  Felt like I couldn’t breathe.  Not enough air.  It’s not panic though.  It’s overwhelming grief.  It’s this foreign feeling that I’ve never had before.  I miss Mom and I need her and I want her back (although I would never want to take her out of Heaven…I just miss her!)  And that depletes me, takes my breath literally away.

Friends call and ask how I’m doing.  I say, “fine;)”  and that’s the truth.  I really am doing ok.  I think all this is normal.  My feelings are as they should be and I’m going with them.  Definitely not supressing them.  Ask anyone who is around me much…no supressing of feelings here!

If there is one thing I probably do need more of it is total alone time.  For example:  I’m alone tonight at home for the first time that I can remember in a very very long time.  I’m sitting on my back deck listening to Jamaican style music.  And I’m writing here.  The peace is nice.  It’s nice not to talk.  Home alone is not normal.  With that said, I’m skipping Dylan’s baseball game to be here alone….Mother of the Year I’m not.  Normal I am!

When I started I was unsure how much or if I would write at all.  Thanks to a few friends (Holly and Lisa B.) for encouraging me to write.  I told Holly I’d write 2 blog posts and 1 devotion in a week.  That week ends tomorrow.  I’m a devo and a blog post down, but this is a start.

Love and Blessings to you from me.