Welcome to my blog. Maybe you are here because you saw it on Encouragement for Today, Facebook, Twitter, or you regularly visit. IDK. Whatever the reason, I’m glad you stopped by. Kick off your shoes and stay a while. I’m very informal.
Where do I begin. It’s almost been 4 months since Mom died. I hate writing that. “Mom died”….No way. Did she really? No. I can’t believe it, but I know it’s true. I know because she’s not here. I can’t call her. I can’t see her. I can’t hear her. I can’t smell her. And I really want to.
Since then Mother’s Day has passed and her birthday too. Those were some of the saddest days I’ve had. Very hard. Thank God I have hope. That’s about it, but I do have hope. My mom loved the word hope. I think the word itself gave her more hope. Make sense? I try to keep her perspective with me. She would want me to be full of hope and to carry on. And I try to do that. One day at a time.
What I’ve learned is that grieving for everyone is different. I can’t compare my grief to another’s. I have not run from it. I’ve tried to face it, let it happen. But I’m that type. I’ve learned from my past that it’s best for me to face how I’m feeling head on. Deal with it…or at least acknowledge it. I’ve allowed myself to feel the pain and I’ve told those close to me how I’m feeling too so they know I’m ok. They haven’t always understood and at times I feel like no one could understand. That is until I get a note or call from someone else in this “club” (membership requires that you’ve lost a parent or loved one…not a fun club) like my sister Tricia or Julie or Jamie or Kelly or LeAnn or Rachel or Barb or Zoe or Robin or Andrea or Heidi or well would you looky here, there are people who understand. I’m smiling as I type that Yes, even though I “feel” like no one understands, there are quite a few who do and their words and even the pain they’ve experienced has helped me get through.
For the first few months after Mom died, I cried a lot. Every day. Tears came easily and often. When I wasn’t crying, I felt numb or kind of in a daze. I didn’t feel like having any fun. And I didn’t want to talk about it or I would cry again. I wondered if I would ever be able to have fun again. I think it was hardest on my kids. They probably thought their mom was eternally depressed. I thought about putting up a front for them, but that didn’t seem right. They needed to know that I was hurting. I made sure though that they knew, even though I was hurting, I wasn’t hopeless or depressed. God was my rock and I trusted Him. I was just really really sad! They missed their MaMaw too and they could understand that. We all hugged lots and lots. I think they all became a little more compassionate by watching me grieve.
Life without mom just seemed wrong. It was unnatural to me. It still is, but thankfully I’m not brought down as much as I was. I’m not sure exactly when that stopped. But I transitioned from crying a lot into crying a little. And now, even though I think about her every single day I’m not as down. When I cry now, it’s usually because something triggers it. A commercial with a mother and daughter. A movie that Mom liked is on Hallmark. Little House on the Prairie. The smell of fried chicken and macaroni & cheese. Or if I need to talk to someone (like Mom) and there’s no one else who would understand. The person who was always on my side since the first breath I took isn’t there anymore. It still makes me sad. I guess it always will. I want her back so very bad. With that said, I wouldn’t take her back if offered. She’s with Jesus right where she belongs and what a glorious great fun time she’s having Up There. I’m a bit jealous I guess 😉
About a month ago I had a dream. I walked in the back door of my house and Mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She looked beautiful. My sister was sitting with her and she had the biggest smile on her face. I couldn’t believe that Mom was there…I mean here in my home, alive and so beautiful. I reached out to touch her, but I knew she wouldn’t really be there. But when I reached, I felt her. She stood up and hugged me tight. I took her hair and rubbed in on my face, buried my head in her neck. I wanted to inhale every bit of her. She said, “It’s ok.” That’s all. The dream ended. I woke up with a peace I hadn’t felt in a while. My emotions were mixed. Happy that I had the dream because it was so real. Sad that it was just a dream and not real.
Lately I’ve been unsettled…again and feeling a little anxious. I’ve been thinking I need to be busier, more pro-active, more productive. Then I read my devotion. That’s exactly what it was about! Ha. I even needed it. God’s will is for me to grieve right now and I need to keep reminding myself of that. To rest. To not predict what’s next. To just allow Him to lead. And y’all I like to be in control so this isn’t easy. It’s not easy at all. But that’s ok, He has a plan and it’s His plan (not mine). I need to trust Him. I’m blessed for what I’ve lost and because God is with me all the way. (Matt. 5:4) Sure I’m in this place because my mother recently died, but I think many of us are in a place of wait or grief for other reasons not just because we’ve lost someone. Grief doesn’t always take place because someone died.
I’m not sure where you are. You may be grieving the loss of a loved one like me. You may be grieving the loss of a dream. Maybe you don’t know what God’s will is for you. Or what your next step in God’s will is. Remind yourself daily that as Mom said in my dream, “It’s ok.”
I’ve developed my own “Top 10 Ways I Can Choose Hope and Claim Peace”. It has helped me so much and I want to share it with you. It will be posted tomorrow. To receive it, you can subscribe to my blog or just check back on your own. If you subscribe, you’ll also receive my other Top 10 lists that will be posted in the coming days and months. The previous Top 10’s that have already been posted can be found in the “By Melissa” section of this blog. I pray they bring you hope and comfort like that have me.
Thank you for stopping by my blog today. I appreciate your time. If you can relate to my feelings here, I encourage you to comment. You can probably help me! If you have some encouraging words for others, please share. I’m a firm believer that we are in this together and we need each other. I read every comment and email I receive and I’m thankful for each one.
Be sure to check back tomorrow for your copy of my “Top 10 Ways I Can Choose Hope and Claim Peace.” It’s my gift to you.
Blessings and Lots of Love <3