Archives for September 2010

Sep 28

Sadness Happens When I Least Expect It

“Some people think that going through the losses or crises of life are the exceptional times,” says Dr. H. Norman Wright.  “I see it differently. I see the times of calm as the exceptions.  Life is really going through one loss after another, one crisis after another.”

That pretty much sums up my life, that’s for sure. It’s always something. For so long I just kept waiting for life to get simpler and have reduced stress and strife. Now I just accept life as it is and deal with it. I’m better prepared.  Don’t confuse this with being down in the dumps. I’m not.  With each crisis, there is a blessing. And hope is always alive. It’s just that life is not easy.

I’m reading through the book, Through a Season of Grief.  It is a series of devotions by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard on grief.  I never wanted my daily devotions to deal with grief.  Ever. I still don’t.

With that said, this book has helped me to know that my grief is normal. My mom died a little over 6 months ago.  Let me just try to define my grief to you.

I feel like no one understands. No way they could.

I hurt. I’m in pain.

At times I feel overwhelmed. Like I can’t breathe. Tears come without invitation.

I never knew how bad I could hurt.

Some days are fine. Those are the days I choose not to think about it.

I didn’t just lose a person. I lost my encourager, my friend, the one who always loved me, the one who knew me so well, the shoulder I could cry on, the arms that embraced and comforted me, the one who cheered me up, the one who understood me, the one who rescued me, the one who was proud of me, the one who was always there for me, the one I could count on, and the one who made me feel special. My mother.

I’m not just grieving one. I’m grieving each one.

And sadness comes when I least expect it.

Melissa
Sep 15

What You Don’t Know About Me

My life is, for the most part, an open book.  I don’t have much to hide that I don’t speak or write about.  Not that I tell all, I don’t. There are some private matters!  But one thing that has plagued me for the past year, is something I’ve never written about or spoken about publicly.  It’s embarrassing.  It’s ugly.  Some fear it’s contagious.  People pretend they don’t notice…or they say, “Ewww! What happened to you?”  I think it’s Psoriasis.

My mother had psoriasis.  She was treated for it for 40 years until she died last March, not from psoriasis however. She had lung cancer.  Funny, she always thought she would die from the medication she took for her psoriasis. In fact, her psoriasis was so bad, that she didn’t care if the medication was bad for her. If it cleared up her skin, she said it was worth it. That’s how bad it was.

What is psoriasis you ask?   “Psoriasis is a common skin condition that causes skin redness and irritation. Most persons with psoriasis have thick, red skin with flaky, silver-white patches called scales.”  Yes, that’s accurate. And I have it. It’s gross. It’s ugly.  Here is my foot:

Psorisis

I’m not sure how well you can see it, I took this pic with my phone. I know it’s small.  I have these scaly patches also on my arms, elbows, and legs.  Tonight I was showing all of them to my husband.  He said, “Mel, I hope you can have something done about it.”  :(    Me too honey.

I haven’t been to the dermatologist yet.  (What???? Why not????)  Well, truly, there have been more pressing issues.  This is a skin disease.  This past year, my mom has been dying.  My kids needed physical care by doctors.  I needed physical care by doctors.  The dermatologist was just not high on the list.  I’m in that boat with most of America who just can’t run off and pay for all the care we need. I needed to prioritize.  And until now, the scaly patches were just on my elbows. The foot and leg patches are newer.

You may wonder why I even write about this. It’s not for sympathy.  In fact it’s to tell you that I’m satisfied with myself even if I have these skin scaly patches forever. ( or at least I’m trying to tell myself that)  They are spreading. I don’t know how well they can be controlled. But like my daughter, Hayley Grace said to me tonight:

“Mama, doesn’t God say you are beautiful?”  Well, HG, I’m not sure He says that exactly.

“But doesn’t He say you are wonderfully made? Isn’t that beautiful? And aren’t you His princess?”  Yes, Hayley Grace that’s right. I am. And it is. And I am.

Don’t you just love how your own words come back to speak to you? (haunt you?)

I’m not sure what the doctor will say about my psoriasis. I know for my mom it was extremely difficult to find a doctor who would prescribe a medication that would get rid of the ugly patches completely.  The one medicine that worked wonders put her at risk for other things. The topical meds did nothing.  So, I don’t know.  I’m walking into darkness.

But I trust. Just like Hayley Grace said. God made me. He made me wonderfully. If that includes scaly skin patches, so be it. I trust Him.

Yea, some of you thought I was absolutely flawless didn’t you?  (hahahahahahaha okay, you can quit laughing now!)  But seriously, we all have our things we wish we didn’t, don’t we?

So now you know. I have a skin disease. It’s ugly and causes me to stand out.  And guess what else?  I have 2 stuck together toes on each foot. Really I do.  Now you know.

Melissa
Sep 13

I Can’t Be Sick,don’t have the time.

Saturday night held an adventure I had been waiting on for months. In fact I wrote about it in my last post. My son invited me to go with him to “Mary Poppins”, the musical.  And let me tell you, it did not disappoint! It was amazing.

During the show, my throat started hurting. It got worse over the course of the evening and when I got home I discovered I was running a fever.  Hoping it was just a fluke, I took some ibuprofen and went to bed.  When I woke up the next morning, I felt even worse.

“I can’t be sick, don’t have the time!”  I must have said this 10 times, but the sickness did not listen.  Sunday, I was on the couch all day. Not only did I feel cruddy physically, but I also felt down mentally.  Have you ever noticed that when you don’t feel well, everything is magnified?  I missed my mom and cried about that.  My office friends were going to the lake for a getaway (without me because I’m sick) and I cried about that.  My fever kept going up and I cried about that. Then I started thinking about all the things I’m supposed to do this week, so I cried about that too.  At the end of my cryfest, I had convinced myself that I am really not very good at anything and should just call it quits in various aspects of my life. I spiraled down down down.   I’m not good enough to be a Bible study leader. I need to quit working on my silly Top Ten lists, who needs them anyway? Why am I pursuing speaking again? What message can I deliver? I’m not even great at being a wife, mom, keeper of my home…do I really think I can do anything else?  I already work close to full time in an office and seriously I can’t do anything else.  And I especially don’t have time to be sick!!!! Oooh, our enemy is good at kicking a girl when she’s already down.

Can you relate?

Seeing things more clearly today after getting some much needed rest, I am reminded that my thoughts from yesterday aren’t the truth. They were based on the way I was feeling at the time.

Ephesians 2:10, “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do good things he planned for us long ago.” Yep, I’m God’s masterpiece.  I believe that qualifies me for great things. And it’s not based on feelings, it’s the Truth.  That’s what I have to hang on to, especially when I’m sick and feeling sorry for myself.

Today, I’m still sick. Fever is still going up. And I really don’t have time for this, I have too much to do. (Isn’t that true of most of us?)  I can’t do anything about it, but I can do something about my thoughts during my sickness.  And today I’ve decided to dwell on the fact that I am God’s masterpiece. God’s sick masterpiece, but nevertheless, His masterpiece.  And all those other things I was worried about, I trust Him to take care of those too.

Just thought I’d share a few thoughts from the trenches.

Love and Blessings,

Melissa