Apr 20

Character Flaw: Validation

I woke up this morning and knew something in my  heart was not right. I had a typical morning…shower, kissing kids good-bye, pulling something clean to wear out of the dryer, cup of coffee…you know the stuff you do to get ready. I had a few extra things to do like pack my suitcase. You see, I’m speaking at this fabulous YMCA event in the beautiful North Carolina mountains this weekend, so I was making sure I had all I needed…notes, Bible, exercise clothes, hair accessories, a car to drive (long story there, I’ll spare ya the details!).  Anyway, nothing unusual, but I could tell something in me was off.

Right after I cranked the car, the music began playing on the car CD player, and I began to cry. Music has that ability to trigger emotions doesn’t it?  There’s something magical about that. And it’s something I love about music. I was primed and ready for tears before the music began, so it didn’t take much. Strange, but I knew I was crying for myself. It’s been a while since I cried for me. I cry for others often (my family makes fun of me for this because it doesn’t take much for me!), but today I knew these tears were for me.

I talked to God as I drove to work.  “What’s wrong with me Lord?  I don’t have anything to be sad about today. I have a great weekend ahead and I’m traveling with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, my friend, Holly. I get to spend the weekend with her and a lot of awesome people, including the staff at Camp Harrison, the beautiful ladies from the Siskey Y, plus my good friends Denise and LaGena. What’s up? Why the tears?  Why am I crying for myself today?”

I realized something not so pretty about my tears today. They were self-pity tears, selfish tears, tears that stemmed from one of my biggest character flaws, the desire for validation.

There are a couple of recent tasks and relationships that I’ve poured my heart and soul into. I worked hard. I invested a lot. I gave. I tried. I provided.  I sacrificed. I helped. I poured my blood, sweat, and tears into them. I thought I did a good job in each of these situations, oh I made mistakes, but at least I did my best. For the most part, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore. One situation ended in rejection. The other just completely unrecognized and unappreciated.  Both leaving me hurt, feeling neglected and invisible. I deserve some credit here. I made a difference. Good things came of what I started, so where is my validation? My pat on the back? My thank you?

In all the work you are given, do the best you can. Work as though you are working for the Lord, not any earthly master.  Colossians 3:23  (ERV)

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.  Psalm 37:5  (NLT) 

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.  Proverbs 16:3  (NIV)

I know, right?

“Oh Lord, let me pull this car over and fall flat on my face. I sit at the foot of the cross right now. I give this to you. I’m so sorry. You see all that I do and that is enough. Please forgive me for being so shallow. Yes I would still like to be noticed, I can’t lie to You, but it’s ok if I’m not.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; 
hide me in the shadow of your wings  Psalm 17:8 (NIV)  because You are all I need, You are my validation.”

And guess what?  He forgave me. He told me that He came to this world to save me not condemn me. (John 3:17…our memory verse this week)

After the exchange of words with my Heavenly Father, another set of words came back to me, and that’s what I’ll end with today. It was the words from that sweet child, Alexa Rohrbach, who I wrote about earlier this week.

“Never give up.  Always find things to be thankful for. Have a positive attitude.”~ Alexa Rohrbach

Don’t you just love how God, His Word, and wise words from a child can turn your day around? Thank you Jesus!  (Did all my Jesus friends just shout an “Amen” to that? If not, go ahead, it’s “amen” worthy!)

Have a fantastic weekend sisters!  Your assignments will not be posted until Monday, but if you’d like to get a head start, go ahead and begin reading Chapter 8.

Love and Prayers to each of you <3

 

Melissa

Comments

  1. Never realized we had so much in common: I cry easily for others too, I get teared up at sappy commercials and my family laughs at me for it too.

    I too have to fight the validation pride. I look too often to the things I have done for ppl as a way to get feedback and encouragement. I feel deflated when it’s ignored or rejected and my feelings get hurt very easily – I often feel like I am 2nd rate if I don’t get the feedback I looking for. This is where God is working and stretching me now.

    Love you my friend and I want you to know that you mean the world to me!!!! I value you more than I can put into words!!!!

    • Tracey Kirch says:

      Oh Melissa, I am praising Him for this revelation!! Wonderful how you gave yourself right over to Him!!! I will continue to pray for you and each of us in this area. i believe this is an area many of us *feel* the need to be validated!! I know I do.. He has taken me so far in this area, still have a ways to go! We need to transparent with each other so the light can shine in all of our darkness… You go girl.. he has so much in store for you….((hug))

  2. Nancy Wease says:

    Im a crier too, Melissa. And my family makes fun of me . I cry at TV stuff, cards, athletes doing well ,etc. Maybe you are just worn out doing for others. Hopefully others will praise you. Our Lord knows what awesome person you are.

  3. I can soooo relate. I am constantly checking and re-checking to make sure my desires line up with God’s desires for me. I have been told I over-analyze everything. There is a good reason for this – I too was used to start something really wonderful in my church, my community and my life. I guarded the words from the Lord and shared them with my pastor and other prayer warriors. And true to His word, I leaned on his wisdom and let Him make the paths straight to accomplish what He wanted done. I was shocked and very disappointed when other “mature Christians” didn’t see the ministry value, the souls won, the lives touched.

    As God has healed my heart in the years since, I realize that every human is created with the need to be needed and appreciated. That’s why encouragement is so important in our lives. Encouragement is a verbal hug. It’s scientifically proven that we all need hugs to be emotionally healthy humans. So actually, I don’t think you have a character flaw at all. You are just who God made you to be. AND, I might add, you are AWESOME at being you! Nobody can do it like you can. You have blessed all of us so much. Please know that you are where you are in this moment in time for all of us…to bring glory to the Father.

    Love you,

    T

  4. good stuff. Thanks so much for sharing.

  5. I love this so much Melissa!!! I cry at EVERYTHING… especially music. When a choir starts singing its ALL OVER!!!! I love your transparency and willingness to share your heart with all of us. I’m praising God for the revelation in your spirit this morning and I’m am standing in prayer for an AWESOME weekend for you and all the dear hearts in attendance!!!! <3

  6. Oh my. Same here. Same story, different details and I didn’t realize it until just now. Thank you for shedding light and helping me to see this veil of pride.

  7. Zephra E. Brown says:

    Such a wonderful, important message for each of us. I think we all do this to some extent but with God’s help we can overcome the temptation of self-pity.

    May God continue to bless and use you for HIS glory. He give you the strength to lay out here, on the altar, for the rest of us to see.

  8. It’s a very difficult day. I’ll spare the details but I have been feeling kind of the same way but differently. I know. I’m blonde — bottle blond but my husband said the dye sank in. I gave my husband up to God a week ago and my middle daughter hasn’t spoken to me in eight years and is on Facebook giving me and my family “down the road.” I needed this today. I posted on my FB page that I choose to obey God above all else. That I love the Lord with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my might and that I love Him on good days and bad days and that I will praise Him in this storm. But, really, sometimes I need His help with even that. I feel so small in His presence and I want so badly to be His witness in this. Thank you. I don’t want these losses to be about me but about how I can glorify Him through these circumstances. Thank you for this Bible Study and the last one. I hope that some day I can touch as many people as Christ is helping through you.

  9. Don’t we all feel the need to be validated for our hard work regardless if its in a relationship or just the work we do from day to day. God is good though, and he is pleased. We all need to remember this every day. You reach thousands and yet you still feel this need, it’s inspiring to others. Thank you for sharing!!

  10. Ouch…this is me…looking for validation through others but really God is enough. No matter what we try to turn to for acceptance, love, validation…like relationships, money, losing self-control just because we want to live free…the only thing we really need is a strong foundation in the Lord. Yep…been finding this out more and more as this year goes by. People may fail you (including ourselves) but the Lord never will fail you if you only trust in Him!

  11. Heidi Trace says:

    Many thanks for this timely reminder, Melissa! I was recently rejected by a family member who we have sincerely encouraged and helped for years. It was devastating and I cried on and off for weeks about it. Then it hit me (after a time of prayer with a group of faithful friends) that the Lord was still pleased with my obedience and service to HIM, whether or not she chose to be thankful for our help. God is so good :) He knows every detail.

    • Heidi,
      I have been there too. Just keep in prayer.
      My sister seems to be a little more in contact with me than she use to be.
      I tried to be supportive, helpful and caring for years. Finally, I just gave
      up and prayed for her and her family that is when she started calling me
      for a change, instead of me calling her once a month.

  12. me too! Validation is one I have struggled with for years. I am learning to overcome it. A few weeks ago I secretly mowed a neighbors lawn. She as a small child, works full time and her husband recently left her – taking the lawn mower with him. So on a sunny afternoon when my own little one was sleeping I snuck over and mowed her front yard (the back is fenced and I didn’t want to intrude). Later that afternoon she saw me outside and commented on her grass. Someone had mowed it and she didn’t know who, but they didn’t do a very good job. Now, her grass was about 10-12 inches tall and I had to mow it very slowly because it kept falling over and then popping back up after I had passed it. I had mowed each section twice. I did not weed eat it because the gas weed eater we own is to heavy for me to use properly. I was crushed. I had worked hard and given up my only alone time during the day to cut her grass. Now I didn’t want some great big acknowledgement but her words truly stung. I vowed that I would never do it for her again.
    Then I was led to Matthew 6:1-6. In these passages are listed several things that we do in service to God. Helping the needy, fasting and praying. In each circumstance we are told to do them in secret. When helping others if we are honored for our actions by others that is our reward, but when we do them in secret, God rewards us. Now I didn’t cut my neighbors grass for a reward, from her or from God. I did it because it needed cut, she couldn’t and I could. Proverbs 3:38 tells us that if we can help our neighbor to do it now. Still, God was working on my heart with Matthew 6. He helped to remove my bitterness and self pity by reminding me what the real focus of serving others is, being like Christ who sacrificed all. So yesterday, (two weeks after the first time) I again cut my neighbors front yard while my little one napped, because cutting her yard wasn’t as much for her as it was being obedient and working for God.

    • Ginny,
      Wonderful! I too have cut our neighbors yard.
      Just be careful, I cut a neighbors yard who just put out new grass or seeds and she didn’t want it cut and she called the police on me…she later apologized. She worked so I thought was helping her out. I didn’t go to jail or anything. We are friends now.

    • Thank you for sharing this, Ginny. You just handed me a lesson I needed. And well done!

  13. Oh my dear Melissa… I too have spent the past 2 days… Crying like a baby… Full of self pity… I’ve cried out to the Lord..I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now… Thank you for sharing… I know God is there and he will guide us through this .

  14. I’m a crier as well – tv commercials, movies, and of course, music. But wow this hits at the heart of something I struggle with too Melissa. That need for validation and appreciation. To be thought of as special and valued. But you’re right, we can’t spend our lives looking for others to validate us or appreciate us and make us special God does that for us and HE is our source. A hard but true lesson to keep learning.

  15. Lynda Parker says:

    Hi Melissa! You give me “just what I needed” so often! I also love that you girls are “just like us” in that you hurt, but you show us WHERE to take those hurts! I was hurting this morning so bad over one of my grown children and his family and I decided “this time” not to go to a girlfriend, but to take it to Him! Thank you all so much for leading us to the Cross!

  16. Thanks for describing what so many of us had done and felt but maybe haven’t admitted so. Thanks for the scriptures to go along with this. I have a favorite little devotional from Gigi Graham Tchividjian titled “even this”, about all the laundry, dishes, cleaning everything everyday, the verse about doing for others its as if you did it for me, “even this” meaning all these duties and God says especially this, who else is going to do it for me, in All ways you are serving God. That’s always kept me going when I wondered how I could wash one more dish etc, you get the point. Thank you for your words. Now I know for sure I am not along.lol

  17. So glad you shared this with us today. I needed to hear this, because God has open a door for me to speak at a church on May 12th and I just want God to get all the honor and glory through everything I say and do.
    We had a meeting the other night and one lady made a remark that I could have gone home and cried over, but instead my heart was telling me_ God has something better, He still loves me, He never rejects me, and I can trust Him. He is my strength. God just really gave me the validation for His work.

  18. Denise Collins says:

    Thank you for this post Melissa. Your words made me stop and realize the reason for my tears and stress last night was the need for validation. This post could have been me writing it but with different details. Thank you for the scripture to lean on in these times and I will be praying for you and your weekend.

  19. Mellytay, I hope it’s okay if I call you that, I make up nicknames for all of those that I dearly love. You have had it rough here lately sister, I know it hurts. I know I’m your “tough” friend…but today I just want to build you up in prayer.

    Dear Lord, how is it that you fashion a friendship so close over so many miles? It blows me away sometimes. You know I love my sister Mel. God you know her heart. She is so giving and so loving. God I pray this weekend you will shower her with love. Big amazing blessings for her God…asking big amazing good things beyond her wildest dreams. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

  20. Robin Packer says:

    Loved this Melissa and I could so relate! I cry at music also by the way and tears are HEALING! Love you, love your heart and praying for you! <3

  21. I love you my friend. Love your honest and completely transparent heart.

  22. Thank you Melissa for sharing. I have struggled with self pity and validation all my life. I feel invisible to people and even God at times. Thanks for the scriptures that I can cling to.

  23. Lynette Duquette says:

    I guess I see it a bit differently. I don’t think of my need for validation as pride, mine need for validation stems from no self worth…so when I do things and they aren’t acknowledged (I don’t expect this each time I do something, but occasionally I’d like it)I think, was it good enough? Did I do it wrong? I often feel like nothing I do pleases anyone. I know God sees. But to have another human say thank you or well done makes a difference sometimes. Is that a form of pride? I really don’t know.

    • I very much know where you’re coming from with this. My struggle for validation and acceptance also comes from self-doubt and low self esteem, so if I start to think that is a form of pride and vanity, it makes me feel doubly worse about myself! I wish with all my heart I didn’t feel so overwhelmed by self-doubt and that I didn’t seek validation and approval from everyone around me – I wish I was more confident, calm and strong. But it’s a help to know other people feel the same and I hope we all find a way to conquer these feelings.

      • Tracey Kirch says:

        Lynette, I feel the same… I know my validation issues stem from self worth. I have been made to feel like nothing for so much of my life.. Everyone else was better, bigger,pretties , more clever,creative… the list goes on…..

        God has done a mighty work in me with this over the years ( still have ways to go :-) ) One of the things He showed me was that they really and truly did not know what they were doing!! they truly loved me and did not mean to hurt me. I have been able to forgive in a big way and wow!!!!!!!

        Do i still fight it at times , yes.. But i start thinking of our Jesus who died on the cross having done nothing….. It really does help when i am try to work thru a non validating time.. LOLOLOL
        God Bless you and I will be praying!!!

  24. thank you, had a really rough day at work, well parts of work. Thank you for helping me focus and trust God. He has a plan, I will make it, just trust and believe. Have a good weekend in the mountains. Wish I could be there too. Thank you for being so honest, I cried those tears today too.

  25. Thank God I began this study! Your beautiful reminders about trusting God and not listening to the voice of fear! After a trip to Dr. And then the hospital they do not know what is wrong. We are awaiting test results and X-rays. I have awful vertigo today and can’t move without nausea BUT I can read! PTL ! I am leading a group of about 8 women on Tuesdays at noon. We call ourselves The Yada Yada Lunch Bunch. We are using Lysa TerKeust’s book, Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl. Amazing things are happening as a result of this study and I suspect our enemy does not like that! Hum??? By the way, there are some very cool Hebrew meanings to Yada so it isn’t a frivolous. So today while I can only sit still and not move I am praying for other ladies in this study and in my group to “Be strong in the Lord!”. Thank you for responding and for your prayers.

  26. Melissa C says:

    I am on the same bandwagon here with everyone…MY spiritual gift is mercy, and boy do I have it tenfold, and am always volunteering to do this or that. Yet I get that zinger, ok… where is mine. I have learned that I do these things because I have a huge spirit of love and empathy for people.I make sure I think how wonderful I would feel if this or that was done for me. Yet someone who will remain nameless attempts to turn it around in my head as selfish, and here would come the waves of guilt. I have grown so much in my faith – the refining fire of God has a tendancy to do that, I see the truth. I see the love that God has created in me,. and I see how important it is to be the hands and feet of jesus…

  27. As I’ve gotten older and embraced who I am, I am a crier. I cry for everyone else…and this week, I’ve cried for me too. Isn’t it awesome how great Jesus is? And how if we do it for Him, its enough??? Thank you for this honest post. Know you aren’t alone. I hope you have a wonderful weekend basking in the love of your friends…and Your Lord! Bless you!

  28. Never realized we had so much in common: I cry easily for others too, I get tear up at sappy commercials. I am constantly checking and re-checking to make sure my desires line up with God’s desires for me. I have been told I over-analyze everything. I have been feeling very very down this past week myself but I have turned to my Bible for strength & today I am feeling much better. I am still trying to get use to being alone even thou I know God is with me 24/7 I still need the physical portion in my life & for now hugs seem to work very very well for me. I just wished I had someone to enjoy my life with, but God has a plan & I just need to wait for it to happen. Thank you Melissa for sharing your feelings with us. You have no idea how much everyones posting mean to me. It means I know I am not the only person with the same feelings.

    Gods Blessings to all my sisters in Christ.

  29. I’m so sorry for you that you’ve been hurt by these people, God knows your heart!

    I also cry quite a bit, when I started back to church recently I told a friend of mine that I didn’t want to attend church with any friends because I cry through the sermons, she told me that’s the Holy Spirit speaking to me. From that moment on I decided to never be ashamed or afraid to cry, I never want to be so far away from the Holy Spirit again that i’m not sensitive to Him.
    Thanks for sharing that Melissa, I love it when writers are so open and honest with their readers.

    • I stopped attending church because I’d become an emotional wreck in there. My self doubt and desperate need for validation and approval sabotaged a relationship which meant a lot. When it fell apart for the last time, I felt overwhelmed seeing him in church but when he began a new relationship and she began coming with him, I could barely get through a service. Isn’t that pathetic? Thank you for sharing your own experience – Melissa’s blog and Micca’s book are really great.

  30. Sista Mercy says:

    They called me “tear dropper” growing up…when I say at the drop of a hat, it’s true! Didn’t want to make time for this weeks message…. Remember I lost my spouse in Oct? Didn’t want to stand up in the Lord,I was enjoying the doubt and feelings of failure that I had gotten to know so well, but knowing that He never leaves me or forsakes me…I wanted to be sad and depressed….”But” God! Don’t’ you just love how He comes in with that conjunction (but-otherwise than, without the circumstance that) so you know something betters coming? The joy of the Lord, picked me up, had me to change my feelings about myself, and become the one who belongs to the King! I am not poor, sick, bound, depressed, in lack, in want, in sorrow, in grief….I am a child of the King! Rejected by man, accepted and adored by my Maker. The weight of loneliness has lifted and my Daddy has taken it’s place. The enemy still uses all tricks of condemnation and guilt, (my young adult son was picked up for an old speeding ticket and placed in jail, and we have no funds even to get him out!), what kind of mother wouldn’t go broke to help her son? See what I mean? “But” God, my son is a child of the king, saved, delivered and set free…and I have given it to God and it is done!!!!The enemy is just jealous of me!! He has literally peeked into my future and seen the blessing God has for me! So rejoice!! The battle is not ours, but God’s!!! Have a blessed one!! Amen

  31. I can so relate to this blog, I too love music and how God speaks to my heart through it. I have found myself many mornings on my way to work (I have a 45min to 1 hr drive) that I have tears rolling down my face, not really sure why, but all the while praising and thanking God for his mercy and Grace that we are so undeserving of. Thank you for sharing.

  32. Yvonne S. says:

    This could not have come at a better time. Been fighting for the last 3 days to not sink so far back into despair that I would not be able to see the light.
    I invested 3 years in relationships with 2 women I trusted and loved as if they were my flesh and blood. Which is not easy for me cuz I do not trust easily. Well I don’t trust at all frankly. I gave it everything I had emotionally. Only to find out that I was filler till something “better” came along. People that were more like they were-outgoing, aggressive, Confident in themselves. Lacking confidence and seeking validation/approval/acceptance my whole life makes finding and making friends difficult and keeping them almost impossible cuz I feel if anyone knew the real me they would high-tail it outta Dodge! So when I felt comfortable and accepted by these women it was a complete and utter shock to find out they did not really like me or want me around. Then they spread lies and gossip to others to force me out of the group and garner support from people in our ministry. I have spent the last 2 years trying to “recover” from the devastation. And although I never really thought of my crying spells or days on end of depression as a pity party I do know it is not what God would have me do with the pain.
    I just never thought there was anyone else out there that sought after validation or acceptance like I do. Is this all a pity-party when I feel the hurt again and want to crawl away and die?

    • Your story touched on an experience I had a few years ago and I wanted to share with you what I learned. Maybe it will help you too. Please read 1 Kings 19 in any translation you prefer. It is the story of Elijah. He had just done some remarkable work for the Lord and he was getting beaten up about it. He was forced into the desert, alone.

      I thinks sometimes God sends us to that desert place to refocus, reflect and renew. God sent angels to minister to Elijah to make sure he ate and was nourished. Then God himself asked Elijah why he was there. Elijah had a full-blown pity party in front of GOD! (we do too, we just don’t think of it that way).

      Please know that all God asks of us is obedience. It is on your “friends” head how they responded to you. I pray they realize their sin quickly, but even if they don’t you need to forgive them for yourself. God is not through using you yet. Be encouraged, find time for rest and look for your next God assignment.

      Love,
      T

      • Yvonne S. says:

        Hi Teresa,
        I tell myself I have forgiven them but then the old salt in the wound feeling creeps in and off I go crying, withdrawing from everyone and everything.
        So when I do this I am actually having a pity-party??
        I do thank God that He has helped me to realize this is all a refining process. I just want to get to a point of Knowing in my heart that He will use this for my good. It still feels like (I know emotions cannot be trusted) they “got away with it” and I am the loser they said I was.
        Oh and I cannot wait for the day seeking validation is no longer an issue!!!!!!!
        Thanks for encouragement.
        Yvonne

        • In my women’s small group, we are just finishing RT Kendall’s book “Total Forgiveness”. It has definitely helped label certain emotions and what the enemy uses to make us doubt ourselves and the love of God. Every experience we have on this earth is usable by God to minister to another person. It can all be used for God’s glory if we only let it happen.

          You are doing great! Know who you are to God!!! He sent His son to die for YOU. If you had been the only human on this earth, He still would have given you Jesus. That makes you pretty special. All you have to do is TRUST Him.

          Keep on going…………..T

        • You’re not having a pity party – you’re having perfectly human responses! I too had a similar experience when two friends who I considered among my very closest, turned out to be anything but . It actually was a profound shock (well, one of them in particular) and horrible to process. This happened alongside the end of a relationship (my failing) and having some other things flung at me, which I truly felt were unfair. How’s that for a pity party?! And yes, I also withdrew from people and two years on, even though it has healed up hugely, I also still do get these salt in the wound moments and want to withdraw from everyone and everything. I think that’s pretty normal. I see Teresa below is recommending RT Kendall’s “Total Forgiveness” – this is a really good book and also his other books on forgiveness. I also read “Totally Forgiving Ourselves” ( I don’t see myself as flawless – far from it ) Keep strong. I also feel they are much stronger people and came out shining and smiling which yes, grates…but you’re no loser – just a learner! All things will work out for good and hard as it might be to think of right now, maybe these relationships will heal in time. If not, there’s a reason why. :)

          • Yvonne S. says:

            Hi m,
            So you completely understand that feeling of a punch to the gut/wind knocked out of you as you said it-profound shock. I like how you said not a loser but a learner. I just wish the learnin part was quicker and much less painful. I will ck out the Total Forgiveness and Totally Forgiving Ourselves books. Right now am going thru the Joyce Meyers book on Forgiveness and hoping to glean something useful cuz almost 3 years on now and it is gettin so old dealing with these emotions whenever I see them or hear about them or even think about them. Does the pain ever go away completely?
            Is it because we seek validation that things like this seem so devastating? And what process do we use to replace that need to feel validated with God’s unequivocal love?
            Is staying in the Word daily all we need to do? Can’t say I have done it daily for the past 2+ years but I do try to make it at least 4 days a week.(I know-pathetic when we should enjoy and strive and yearn to do it every single day, I just let life get in the way of daily time with my loving Father).
            All I know is that if not for this site and Melissa and all of you here being so open and honest I would still be a quivering mass curled up in my room bawling my eyes shut every day.
            Thanks to all you ladies!

          • Hi Yvonne
            Don’t worry about it being three years ( it’s easy for folk to say “move on” but not so easy to do when you’re hurting and attempting to get back on solid ground!) I do believe it is healthy to try to move on, little by little…and sometimes, it ‘s going to take a little longer than we might like and it may sometimes feel like one step forward, two steps back. I still work alongside one of these friends in a very small team and that is hard. I berate myself for often harbouring less than Christian thoughts towards this person and know that I am sitting on a lot of resentment! There were never any apologies – that sucks but Iike you, it gets so tiresome dealing with these old emotions. And yes, I think it hurts more because we are so reliant on validation!It’s harder to move past it when it’s in your face and maybe the pain will never go away completely. But I fully believe it will lessen and you should totally take heart from others understanding how you feel – believe in all the good things to come! It sounds to me like you have a better relationship with God than I do ( and you should take a lot of strength from that. You don’t need any other validation!) I know I have also hurt people and I am not proud of that and will carry it with me always. I am so far from faultless so that in itself tells me to be forgiving of others. To feel everything that you’re feeling is humah – forgive yourself for that! Glad you have Joyce Meyer books and there’s some good stuff on her website too. :)

  33. Kim Golds says:

    A Big Amen!!! God is sooooooo faithful. I Love him so much. Have great weekend.
    ((((Big Hugs)))

  34. Huge AMEN! Thank you for sharing. Exactly what I need to hear.

  35. Sarah Rose says:

    Melissa,
    I think you and I had the same exact kind of morning. Even now, 10:00 at night my head is pounding so hard. And just like you, my tears were self pity. Feeling like God had forgotten me. Feeling rejected by those I love. Feeling hopeless. Despite what i know to be true, that is exactly how I felt. Thank you for writing and put into words just the way I felt today. Love you my sister!
    Sarah Rose

  36. Tiffany Bell says:

    Chapter 6…..WOW!! God not only challenged me to strengthen my trust in Him, he practically beat me over the head with his Word…in a loving way, that is 😉
    I have been so emotionally worn out over a year long battle in court to relocate from California back to South Carolina where all of my family is….where I grew up. However, CA courts don’t make it easy to do so with a child, even though mine (who is in 7th grade) wants to go. I’m engaged to marry my middle school/high school sweetheart and he and his children live back in S.C., as well. We are getting married this July and I am terrified of the idea of being stuck here another year and being unable to move home to be with him and the rest of my family/relatives that live there.
    However, this Bible study has helped me to catch more glimpses of God’s plan for me and how He is using this last year I’ve been here to draw me closer to Him and strengthen my faith and trust in Him.
    Melissa ~ thank you so very much for all you do for your sisters-in-Christ. You are truly and angel and have impacted my life tremendously….Love ya girl 😉

  37. Did Noah doubt himself after no one listened to all his preaching? Did he question whether he should have used different words, a different location, a different outfit :) or a more convincing tone? I question myself so often that I can’t imagine having that important of a mission, not succeeding, and then easily moving on to a different mission? Did he feel guilty about not convincing the people to turn from their evil ways?

    I never thought of all that until reading some of the posts here and then rereading chapter 7. How do we know that when something we do “fails” (such as the person who posted that her neighbor got upset at her for not mowing her lawn ‘correctly’) it’s because that’s part of God’s plan and not because we did something that wasn’t part of His plan? Does that make any sense??? As someone earlier posted, I think we sometimes seek validation so that we have some sense of proof that we’re following God’s path for us.

  38. Tracey Kirch says:

    I know I posted other comments and thoughts in other spots..As for crying.. ALL THE TIME!!!! So many things make me cry easily… LOLOLOL I always think of the scripture Jesus wept.. :-) and know we are in good company! LOL

  39. Melissa,

    I was getting caught up on your blog, and so glad I did. I could not be more in line with this blog entry. I am uber emotional..almost too emotional and empahtetic to the point where it holds me back from situations where I know God is leading me.

    I think as women we have a lot going. We are the ultimate multi-taskers and pleasers. We give and give and sometimes we don’t get back what we feel we deserve, darn it — validation and recognition of our endless effort..our good works. For me, it’s a dangerous place to live. I start to question my intentions…why am I doing this? No one is noticing..then I start to feel upset, then mad, then I hold a grudge. THEN, I get mad at myself and wonder if my heart is in the right place if all I’m seeking is a “wow Megan, what a great job..you are so awesome, Megan..we couldn’t possibly LIVE without you”. I’m being a little dramatic here, but anyways…

    Thank you for your message, it put me in my place. I, too, have asked God to forgive me for my selfishness and asked Him to rule my heart and help me accept that HE is enough..HIS validation is enough. Thank you, thank you! Oh, and by the way…YOU ARE AWESOME and I for one have made so much progress through the online bible study and your BLOG – many thanks for stepping out in faith and making yourself available to help others. So thankful for you…:)

  40. As I was headed to work this past Monday I thought about this bible study. I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten another email since Wednesday. I thought maybe they hadn’t posted anything or maybe it accidentally went to spam mail which it shouldn’t or maybe i accidentally just trashed it while cleaning out my email. I don’t know what happened. I got the email from Monday talking about the challenge and this morning I finally just got onto this site. I was thinking Monday well I should just go onto her web page and see what is posted if anything. But I didn’t do that I waited until yeah you guessed it Wednesday. I should have just done this on Monday and I would have been blessed. Or I should have gotten on at any time last week to see what else you posted. I always make plans to do something after work and when after work gets here I forget what my plans were. So sorry for being behind on this study. I understand what you are saying about validation. I want validation as well. It almost as if I am validated then I know I am doing something right. If not I feel as if I am doing something wrong. So for me validation tells me not only that I am appreciated but that I am on the right track. I just never get the validation I crave. I need to do as you have said and realize that its not about me its about God. God knows what I am doing and he is all that I should be focusing on. I shouldn’t focus on pleasing man because i am to do all things for Christ not myself not other men/women.

  41. Thank you so much for this…that is exactly the day that I am having! I’ve been feeling “off” all day, mildly depressed. You have just shone a light on a huge character flaw of mine that I have been CLINGING to! I have been wrestling with a hard, bitter stone of self pity and need for recognition. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, a large dose of humility and forgiveness from God is exactly what I needed! xoxox